I’m Baaaaack!!

I was going to start this post like this… READERS!!! I have missed you!!
Then I realised that since it has been almost 2 years since I last posted anything which I unhappily accept has probably resulted in all of you leaving me, as well you should. You deserve to be treated better. In any case, and though I am probably typing for an audience of one… spell check… I digress.

I had a great many apprehensions about blogging again. I mean, I had only a handful of readers last time I gave this a whirl and none of my thoughts are particularly ground-breaking. I feel completely inadequate for this sort of thing, and despite all of these reasons I have for just cramming my thoughts in the occasional Facebook status and leaving the rest of the world in peace, I have an insatiable urge to write. So there you have it. I am a writer, and though I am unpublished, unqualified and completely unknown, I am committed to admitting that this is something that I am passionate about and although I have no idea what I am going to write about or whether anyone is going to give a flying pop tart about what I have to say, I am going to go right ahead start something anyway and have faith that if something is meant to be, somehow, everything will work out in the end.

And so I sally forth into the blogosphere once more. Hang on tight spellcheck, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

 

 

Left Behind

Holidays for me always have an unsavoury way of being a little dull and monotonous. What with the whole uni student schedule, I have found myself in possession of nearly 4 whole months of empty summer holidays to fill. Granted I have exhausted two of them, but I am still staring down the barrel of two months with next to nothing to do to fill all these empty slots in my weekly planner. Now most people would plan to do something worthwhile with all this glorious spare time. Travel, get a day job, find a cure for cancer, knit a sweater… But not this chickadee my dear readers. Instead of some daring, galant and otherwise brilliant plan, I have decided to do absolutely nothing of interest. I am spending my holidays hanging around at home or begging my assortment of friendly chums to hang out with me.

Along with this, I have the unhappy occasion to report that my bestest buddy in the whole world has upped and decided to travel to the land of sushi and cartoons with abnormally large eyes and unlikely coloured hair.

PINK? Are they serious?!?

That is right. Marley, my eternal chum and co-founder of the Brandytook Sisterhood of EPIC AWESOMENESS is in Japan, cavorting through the snow like a little… snow cavorter and I am here… Trying to whittle away the time until she gets back.

Similarly, my brand new friend of the romantic variety is getting his travel freak on and is going to Fiji for 2 weeks, starting tomorrow. I don’t mean to be a cry baby or anything, because as you all know I am really very tough and full of brawn and stuff… but am feeling a little left behind. I know that they are both off doing spectacular things for the good of mankind and other people in general, and it would be more than a smidgen selfish of me to want them to remain behind on my account, but the little whiney side of my otherwise shining personality wishes that they were here anyway.

So if any of you have any notions on what I should do with my time, to distract me from my pitiful state of wallowing until they return, I would be greatly happy and stuff, and I will sing you a ditty and blow you a kiss. I have been toying with the crazy notion of writing a book… but am undecided, which isn’t an alien state for me to be in. I take indecision seriously!

 

2011 in a Nutshell

I am so boring! I have no blog fodder. I haven’t posted anything all year and I can’t think of a single thing to write about. So much has happened and I havent had a single solitary thing to say about anything… IN TWELVE MONTHS!! I am so lame. How any of you have been able to remain friends with me is absolutely beyond my capabilities to comprehend. I used to be fun… and funny… and now, I sit here on my bed, typing away about the fact that I have nothing to type away about. I am a living, breathing contradiction. What is wrong with me dear readers? What is it that I am missing from my genetic, biochemical makeup that enabled me to ramble on so brilliantly before? Maybe it was dietary? Though I highly doubt it…

Anyway… in the absence of anything witty, intelligent or hilarious to relate to you I will instead give you a very boring rundown on the last 12 months that you have all missed out on as well as an update on what is new with me.

1. I have finished my first year of uni… sort of. Due to a brain malfunction at the end of first semester I didn’t actually complete any of my courses so I have to repeat a couple of them, tacking an extra semester onto the end of my degree, which sucks but is unavoidable so there is no point crying over it readers… here… use my hanky.

2. Little brother moved out and has a job… AND I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING! I saw him use his key card…  And it actually worked. He buys things with real money and he has a social life that I am not funding. Don’t stress out, it shocks me too.

3. I am singing again. After a couple of unpleasant happenings when I left school I stopped singing, but at the beginning of this year I gave it another go. It was a little scary at first, and I still haven’t sung in front of my family, but I’m leading in my church worship team and I love it more than I can say. Never thought I’d say this again but singing makes me happy.

4. I moved back out of Mumsy’s house. Now you all know how much I enjoy Mumsy’s company (Why is there no sarcasm font?) But I just had to get out of that house before I walloped her to within an inch of her life with a stuffed wombat. Now I am a little peculiar at the best of times, I am a little odd, a tad zany and at times I have been called downright weird. But my mother makes me look like a freakishly normal person who never does anything slightly unexpected. IT’S SO ANNOYING! But I love her… deep down… deeper….. deeeeeeper…

Behold the giant blue head!!

5. I have found my long-lost evil twin. MEGAMIND! We (youth group people of interest) were watching this excellent movie and all my fantastical chums were making mention of the alarming similarities (not physical obviously… do I look blue to you??) between my own spectacular self and this meglomanic man with the enormous blue noggin. Granted, my dreams of being an evil overlord and his actually being an evil overlord may have something to do with it…

6. I joined the iRevolution.

7. I realised a lot of things about myself. Some I’m not overly proud of and some I will eventually work up the courage to post here for my readers fair to see, but all of it I am glad to have found out. Sort of a self-discovery thing… but without the old asian guy acting as my guru dude.

8. I met a guy. Lets call him Bob. I met Bob. Our relationship so far has been far from normal as far as dating goes. And after 6-7 months of waiting in a fishbowl while every one of our acquaintance and some randoms gawked in on us, giving us their opinions on how to enter into this abyss known as ‘A Relationship’, he asked me out. Which, just quietly, I am kinda over the moon about. He is nice and I promise that you will all like him. If you’re very lucky I may even introduce him to you, though you must promise to behave readers, I can’t have you scaring him off… I plan on keeping this one.

Well I am sure that there are many more fabulous things that I have forgotten to mention to you, but this is far too much for your delicate minds to grasp all in one information hit so I will leave you to digest what I have written and I plan on getting back in touch with you all very soon. Until then, thanks for not deserting me, I love you all.

Nemesis with a word limit

Through a series of odd occurrences, namely, Mumsy being Mumsy, I have found myself escaped to my favorite coffee shop, while I try to whittle away the word limits on not one but 3 essays that I have due in the next couple of days. Needless to say, I am nearing the edge of the pit of despair and am starting to think that maybe spending the rest of my life working at maccas is not as bad as I previously thought.

It is my own silly fault. I let everything pile up and now I have everything to do and no time to do it in. I have a mountain of work and a gradually declining reserve of willpower to do it all with. I hate research and essay writing and it appears that university is pretty much made up of those two things, and they both go hand in hand. I don’t even have the energy to be funny 😦

So that’s all from me right now… that and I’ve taken up Mixed Martial Arts, so at least when my tutors fail me I can beat them up afterwards…

Good Grief… I’m predictable

Tis a sad, sad day Dear Readers. It has suddenly dawned on me as I sit with a numb bum outside my lecture theatre on a rainy Wednesday afternoon waiting for my 2 hour history hit that the impossible has occurred. I, Clare Wagner, Mistress of all things Whacky, have become predictable.

There was a time, not so long ago that if I were to suddenly leap up and exclaim, “Sweet Aunt Geraldine! There goes a mob or rabid squirrels carting off my spare kidney!!”, I would get a room full of people looking from me to the nearest exit with looks ranging from utter disbelief to blind panic. However, this is no longer the case. Monday night just gone, I was parked on the floor at our Youth Leader’s meeting when I let loose a torrent of imaginative drivel that would have made my Grandmother’s toes curl… and all that happened was a fit of giggles, followed by “Facebook Status… I think so!” from The Lozanator over in the corner.

I’m being quoted on Facebook?!

I am still unsure how this whole thing works exactly but I figure it is something along the lines of people expecting me to do the unexpected so when the unexpected happens they were already expecting it so it is no longer unexpected… or something…

How do I combat this alarming turn of events? I’m glad you asked oh Reader Fair. I am going to be totally normal for 6 months. I am going to wear plaid skirts and pressed blouses. Lace up shoes and sun safe hats. I am going to buy a headband and wear a neat pony tale and cross my legs when I sit down. I am going to speak in clearly, well structured and properly pronunciated sentences and conduct myself in all ways as fitting to a lady. Then one day… out of the blue… I am going to launch myself into the hornpipe sailor’s jig and alarm thebegeebers out of everyone!!

We’re goin’ a Feudin’

worse than this

So it’s war. Little Big Sister and Big Brother are going head to head in a battle of wills in a contest that is shaping up to be bigger than Ben Hur, and I am not even kidding. The past couple of days has been an emotional roller coaster that has no harness, no emergency brakes and a complex network of rails that come to numerous dead ends that will send you flying to your death in a blazing trail of carnival music and cotton candy. Essentially, it is not a good season to be alive if you’re dabbling about in my gene pool. My family tree is about to be hacked down, made into sawdust and shipped to pet stores all over the country to collect mice droppings.

I’m not exactly wanting to hang all our dirty washing all over the blogosphere. The ammunition used by both sides is not PG and thus, unsuitable for publication. Needless to say, my esteemed family is not above the odd low blow and they are coming hard and fast in this death match.

So if I am not at liberty to discuss this online then why oh why am I mentioning it at all? My blogging has been sporadic at best lately, why start with this unsavory bit of family headline? Well Dear Readers, I am doing this because, I am stuck smack bang right in the middle of it. As the only member of my family that is unbiased and coherent at the moment, I have been wrangled into position as impromptu mediator between these warring factions.

Yep, it's this bad

So far there has been no bloodshed (touch wood) but apart from that we are entering into a no holds barred Clash of the Titans and no-one knows just how this chapter is going to end. If anyone happens to be in possession of plate armour please be a chum and send it on over to Mumsy’s house and I’ll be eternally grateful.

In other news, I’ve finally booked my semester one classes. If anyone is interested to know more about them please ask. I didn’t want to bore the rest of you with details.

Well I’m off to try and trick myself into going to sleep. Pleasant dreams 🙂

Moving home

Never enter into a battle of wits with an automated program… you will come off second best. Today I had the happy news that I was offered a place at Griffith University on the Gold Coast studying a Bachelor of Communication. DRINKS ALL AROUND!

Student Concession Prices!! BOOYAH

I was a jubilant character for the next half hour until I decided that I was going to go ahead and enrol in my classes for first semester. You need a flippin’ degree just to sort out your timetable. Two phone a friends, one busted screen and several words that I am not at liberty to publish later and I still have a hole in my schedule… and while I am sure I will need the spare time to catch up on reading or whatever uni students do while not being uni students, I’m thinking that missing an entire subject is probably not a fabulous idea. Tomorrow I will make some very heated phone calls… stay tuned.

In other news… guess who is moving back home. BINGO. I am packing all my worldly possessions, along with my independence and my dignity into several large boxes and moving everything back to Mumsy’s house. That woman should really be in sales because when it came to selling her product (the spare rooms) she really made it hard to say no.

Roughly this is what it looked like:-

Are you tired of bills? Sick of wondering how you’re going to pay your rent? Don’t you just wish that there was some way to avoid all those hassles and just get on with living your life? Well here at Mumsy Inc. we believe that we’ve found the answer to all your problems. Move back home. This charming package comes with the large back bedroom next to the kitchen. The fridge being less than 10 steps from your bedroom door makes midnight snacking times even easier. But that’s not all folks. Move in before the end of the month and we will throw in the main bathroom, the other spare room for a study and all rights to the kitchen. Call now and we’ll waive the curfew and throw in free taxi service.

Clare: SOLD! Where do I sign.

But seriously, Im really going to miss my antics with my housemate. We really do make a lovely team. I am consoled however because I’m thinking of the amazing blog fodder living with Mumsy is going to provide. It’s going to be epic.

So I’m going back to school and back home all in the same month… wish me luck

Egor… Fetch me my Bum-Bag

Good morning dear readers, seeming as I am a horrible blogger and no doubt you have all fled to greener pastures (blogs that are updated less sporadically) I will post anyway and cross all my fingers and toes that there are still people in the world who care about me and my mundane life.

Update: So you already know that I quit my job (confetti explosion), and that I have applied for a university course in mass communication (trumpet fanfare). I am currently completely out of money, contemplating a possible relocation to Chateau de la Mumsy and waiting rather impatiently for the next round of Uni offers which will decide my fate for the next few years. In other news since joining the ranks of the unemployed I have been spending oodles of time with Little Big Sister and her husband, and my inbuilt instinct to be where the free food is has also thrown me into spending oodles of time with Dear Mumsy.

 Those of you who have already been introduced to the maternal donor of half my genetics will roll their eyes and wonder what on earth the poor woman has done this time to grant a mention in my fabulous blog. Well, hold onto your hats bucko for I am about to spill the beans as it were.

A few weeks ago Mumsy and I were out and about having coffee (Mumsy’s shout) and lunch (Mumsy’s shout) which was all rather pleasant untill it came time to pay. Now the money side of things was no trouble to my revered mother, instead, the item from which the funds emerged had sparked my immense disapproval.

Mumsy, to my horror, is in the habit of going about her business with a bum bag. Indeed you have read correctly. Now this is no ordinary run of the mill bum bag that can be worn discreetly around the waist without the general public being made glaringly aware of it. It is a behemoth of grotesque proportions that she endeavors to hide under her blouse worn at the back and making it look like she has either a monumental derrière or some sort of Quasimodo-esk hump going on. Needless to say it is not a good look.

Now for all of you who are fans of the bum bag and are right now phrasing in your brain-space how you are going to word your rebuttal in refuting my claims on the evils of the device, I am speaking only of the bum bag worn by my Mumsy. You have to look at the full picture, of all the is Mumsy if I may. Picture now if you will, a tiny little lady, about 5 foot tall, with crocs, mum jeans, an oversized multi-hued blouse, pig-tails and the bum bag from hell. It is not a good look.

My revered siblings and myself have all campaigned both individually and en mass to stop this luggage menace to no avail. The bum bag lives on, blighting the landscape which is Mumsy and spitting in the eye of every fashion conscious person who crosses her path.

 I will soldier on in my mission to rid the world of this present evil, wish me luck.

Super Update

Good afternoon dear readers (If I have any left).  I am finally in a possition to be back posting with some sort of regularity. Since writing last I have quit, been asked to stay on longer, been told to leave early, bludged at home, and spent too much time with too many relatives.

I have 12 mins left at an internet cafe so I am trying to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

The current plan is a bachelor of Journalist at University next year. Applications close at the end of January so fingers crossed that I am able to get my rear into gear by then, and that I’m accepted. Wish me luck.

I am going to get my internet sorted out in the next few days so hopefully I will be able to start posting properly. Heaven knows that there have been HEAPS of blogworthy things going on in the Land of Clare.

Oops, times just about up so I am going to trot off home and unwind from my Christmas fiasco. More about that to come.

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and all the best for the new year. Make it a good one because apparently it’s all over come 2012 🙂

This Makes So Much More Sense…